Life Goals

Helping Your Teen Become Independent

As children become teenagers, they often beg for more freedom. Parents often struggle between wanting to give their teenagers freedom and independence and protecting their health and safety. Much of this will depend on your level of trust and the teen’s level of maturity.

Here are some tips to help balance protection and independence:

• Set limits. All teenagers resist limits, but they want them and they need them. Setting limits helps your teen know what to expect and helps them feel secure and loved. Reinforce these limits so the teen knows they are going to be held accountable for their actions.
  
  
• Be clear. Most young teens respond best to specific instructions, which are repeated regularly. Don't just say, “I want your room clean,’’ because they don't know what that means. Instead, tell them to pick up their clothes or straighten out their closet.
  
  
• Give reasonable choices. Choices make young teens more open to guidance. For example, you can tell your teen that his or her homework must be done before bedtime, but that he or she has a choice of completing it either before or after dinner. Begin to let your teenager make choices and monitor how they handle them.
  
  
• Give independence in stages. The more mature and responsible a young teen's behavior is, the more privileges parents can grant. You might first give your young teen the right to choose which sneakers to buy within a certain price range. Later you can let him or her make other clothing purchases -- with the understanding that price tags won't be removed until you approve the items. Eventually, you can give your teen a clothing allowance to spend anyway he or she likes.
  
  
• Say no to things that matter. Some things aren't worth fighting about. It may offend you if your son or daughter chooses to wear all black all of the time, but the choice probably won’t affect his or her future. If, however, your teenager chooses to skip school or smoke cigarettes, you must be clear that he or she does not have a choice to make bad decisions.
  
  
• Guide but resist the temptation to control. You can guide your teenager by being a good listener and by asking questions that help your child to think about the results of his or her actions: "What could happen if you let someone who is drunk drive you home?" Your guidance may be better appreciated if you ask your child's advice on a range of matters and follow the advice if it seems reasonable.
  
  
• Let your teen make mistakes. You want your teenager to grow into an adult who can solve problems and make good choices. These abilities are a critical part of being independent. To develop these abilities, however, young teens may sometimes need to fail, provided there is no risk to health or safety. Making mistakes also allows young teens to learn how to bounce back. It's hard for teens to learn how to pick themselves up and start over if their parents always rescue them from difficulties.
  
  
• Make actions have consequences. If you tell your teenager that he or she must be home by 10 p.m., do not ignore a midnight arrival. You lose credibility with your teens if they suffer no consequences for returning home two hours late. Make sure your teenager understands the need to be more responsible so you can trust him or her more.
  
  
• Create a “safety plan” for your teenager. In the event they are ever in an uncomfortable situation (such as a bad date, too much drinking, or no ride home), walk through what this situation will look like and how to put a safety plan in motion. Again, remind your teen they face no penalty for acting responsibly and asking for your help. The next day you will want to calmly discuss with your teen these events to see how they might be avoided next time.